How to drive like an idiot:

1. Get yourself into the left lane and go just below the speed limit.
2. Cut someone off and give them a thank you wave.
3. Never use your blinker. The element of surprise is a must.

How to survive a massive rock fall:

1. Hear it coming
2. see it coming
3. Open your umbrella and huddle underneath it (works every time)

How to Live:

1. Eat
2. Breathe
3. Sing really loudly in the center of town

How to Be A Kid When You're Over 20:

1. Watch cartoons. Quit pretending you don't still do that already.
2. Buy a coloring book. Buy crayons. Color!
3. Eat cereal for dinner.

How to Be a Politician:

1. Lie
2. Get into office
3. Lie

How to Not Procrastinate:

1. Decide to never procrastinate again
2. Decide not procrastinating is impossible
3. Procrastinate

How to build a card house:

1. find a flat surface
2. gently hold the cards into a teepee (works best if they are old cards you can bend into the shape)
3. repeat step two being careful not to breath too hard or move too fast

How to be better than Chuck Norris:

1. Split an Island in two. A big island. Like, for instance, America.
2. Go back in time and invent the internet.
3. Think of a simple formula to make maths understandable for EVERYONE.

How to get to get into bed in the dark:

1. Put one hand on the light switch, stretching your body as far as it can go.
2. Flip the light off and run as fast as you can towards your bed
3. At bed, jump as high as you can and slide under the covers and hide.

How to read the Harry Potter Series:

1. Get the first book from your local library
2. Open the book and read till the second line
3. Rent the movies from Blockbuster

How To Do Math:

1. Purchase a Calculator
2. Turn the calculator on
3. Type in your problem and receive an answer instantaneously

How to cheat on a history test:

1. Create an official-looking website.
2. Type up random fake facts.
3. Summarize on paper. If your teacher ask where you got information, show them the website and swear that it's legit.

How to eat soup:

1. Use a spoon. Not a fork, but a round object without any holes; experience learns this to be more practical.
2. Make sure to blow on the soup before putting it in your mouth. You don't want to suffocate of a swollen throat. Don't blow too hard though, or you won't be eating any soup at all.
3. No slurping, no putting a half-emptied spoon back in your cup and then asking wether someone else would like to taste your soup. Just no, it is disgusting.

How to Fly:

1. Go to the roof of a high building
2. Jump off a high building
3. Don't fall

How to win at video games:

1. Throw out the instructions.
2. Tap B.
3. Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, start.

How to commit suicide (Quick & Easy):

1. Publicly insult Justin Bieber on Facebook & Twitter, and don't forget to post your name, phone number & adress.
2. Spit King-Kong in the face
3. Drink three gallions of water in a minute. Drowning on dry land garanteed.

How to be super powerful.:

1. have some past that scars you and defines you
2. Go on an exile for a long time or train in isolation
3. Come back and save all of your friends from impending doom at the last minute and take down the enemy in 1 shot.

How to catch the school bus when late:

1. Perfect the "run while putting on shoes"
2. Wave your arms like a maniac and yell, hoping that someone will see you
3. Try not to look like a retard while running with your book-filled backpack

How to make Jolly Rancher cocktails:

1. Take a bag of Jolly Ranchers, separate out the purples.
2. Dump them in a bottle of good vodka and let them dissolve.
3. Mix with Sprite.

How to be a teacher:

1. Sit behind your desk all day looking superior and pretending to have some grade of authority.
2. Intimidate young students and elementary kids. Always works to have a bunch of dwarf slaves running around, doing your bidding. Numbers = Power
3. Practice your skills at playing that gameboy or Ipad under your desk while pretending to be correcting essays.

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