How to drive like an idiot:
- Get yourself into the left lane and go just below the speed limit.
- Cut someone off and give them a thank you wave.
- Never use your blinker. The element of surprise is a must.
How to survive a massive rock fall:
- Hear it coming
- see it coming
- Open your umbrella and huddle underneath it (works every time)
How to Live:
- Sing really loudly in the center of town
How to Be A Kid When You're Over 20:
- Watch cartoons. Quit pretending you don't still do that already.
- Buy a coloring book. Buy crayons. Color!
- Eat cereal for dinner.
How to Be a Politician:
- Get into office
How to Not Procrastinate:
- Decide to never procrastinate again
- Decide not procrastinating is impossible
How to build a card house:
- find a flat surface
- gently hold the cards into a teepee (works best if they are old cards you can bend into the shape)
- repeat step two being careful not to breath too hard or move too fast
How to be better than Chuck Norris:
- Split an Island in two. A big island. Like, for instance, America.
- Go back in time and invent the internet.
- Think of a simple formula to make maths understandable for EVERYONE.
How to get to get into bed in the dark:
- Put one hand on the light switch, stretching your body as far as it can go.
- Flip the light off and run as fast as you can towards your bed
- At bed, jump as high as you can and slide under the covers and hide.
How to read the Harry Potter Series:
- Get the first book from your local library
- Open the book and read till the second line
- Rent the movies from Blockbuster
How To Do Math:
- Purchase a Calculator
- Turn the calculator on
- Type in your problem and receive an answer instantaneously
How to cheat on a history test:
- Create an official-looking website.
- Type up random fake facts.
- Summarize on paper. If your teacher ask where you got information, show them the website and swear that it's legit.
How to eat soup:
- Use a spoon. Not a fork, but a round object without any holes; experience learns this to be more practical.
- Make sure to blow on the soup before putting it in your mouth. You don't want to suffocate of a swollen throat. Don't blow too hard though, or you won't be eating any soup at all.
- No slurping, no putting a half-emptied spoon back in your cup and then asking wether someone else would like to taste your soup. Just no, it is disgusting.
How to Fly:
- Go to the roof of a high building
- Jump off a high building
- Don't fall
How to win at video games:
- Throw out the instructions.
- Tap B.
- Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, start.
How to commit suicide (Quick & Easy):
- Publicly insult Justin Bieber on Facebook & Twitter, and don't forget to post your name, phone number & adress.
- Spit King-Kong in the face
- Drink three gallions of water in a minute. Drowning on dry land garanteed.
How to be super powerful.:
- have some past that scars you and defines you
- Go on an exile for a long time or train in isolation
- Come back and save all of your friends from impending doom at the last minute and take down the enemy in 1 shot.
How to catch the school bus when late:
- Perfect the "run while putting on shoes"
- Wave your arms like a maniac and yell, hoping that someone will see you
- Try not to look like a retard while running with your book-filled backpack
How to make Jolly Rancher cocktails:
- Take a bag of Jolly Ranchers, separate out the purples.
- Dump them in a bottle of good vodka and let them dissolve.
- Mix with Sprite.
How to be a teacher:
- Sit behind your desk all day looking superior and pretending to have some grade of authority.
- Intimidate young students and elementary kids. Always works to have a bunch of dwarf slaves running around, doing your bidding. Numbers = Power
- Practice your skills at playing that gameboy or Ipad under your desk while pretending to be correcting essays.
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© 2010 Tiffany "Shadowfiles" Zhang -- About -- Contact